Awesomely Weird Alibaba EV of the Week: This 18 MPH suitcase is a terrible idea

I’ve got a bit of a reputation for testing out some of the wildest, strangest, and most interesting non-car electric vehicles on the internet. In order to find many of these far-fetched electric steeds, all I have to do is pop open a few (dozen) Alibaba tabs in my browser and start window shopping through the world’s largest repository of creative EV engineering. That’s exactly how I found this week’s focus: a surprisingly fast and fun-looking suitcase that you can giddy-up and ride till the wheels fall off, which they very well might.

Now let me tell you right off the bat: I did not actually buy this awesome-looking scooter suitcase (scootcase?). This is part of a long series of posts where we enjoy the beauty (or horror) of some of Alibaba’s wildest EVs from the safe distance of our computer screens.

But this one is really tempting me. And that’s because for a mere US $733, this electric suitcase that nobody ever asked for could be yours!

It’s powered by a 400W motor – or perhaps two 400W motors, as the ad copy isn’t super clear. But either way, that single or double motor is apparently enough to send this suitcase careening around an airport terminal at a wholly irresponsible 30 km/h (18 mph).

If this seems like a half-baked idea, then you’re probably being generous. The last thing I want when I’m rushing to catch a flight is to be taken out at the knees by someone riding an 18 mph suitcase. But then again, the simple solution to that problem is to already be on my own electric suitcase! Problem solved – and race started!

The concept sounds far fetched, but the execution actually looks pretty decent, especially when shown off by the leggy model giving us the money shot, above.

The design is sort of fascinating, even if I’m not 100% sure I understand the engineering. Apparently it starts life as a normal carry-on suitcase. You know, the boring old kind that you can’t drift around a Cinnabon on your way to Gate 16A.

But then it transforms like Optimus Prime into a scooter, folding part of the suitcase back on itself and pivoting its trolley pull-handle 90 degrees into a set of handlebars. At that point you pop a fat squat right onto Scootimus Prime and you’re ready to fly around an airport at breakneck speeds. Based on the graphic below, I’m led to believe this transformation takes just five seconds.

I can’t imagine this does any favors to the storage space available inside of the suitcase. But hey, did you buy your suitcase to carry things, or did you buy it to race old folks on those Terminal 3 golf cart shuttles? Yeah, that’s what I thought. So quit complaining, go toss your laundry and neck pillow in a plastic shopping bag, and strap on your riding goggles because we’ve got some very narrow tire marks to lay down on some very squeaky airport linoleum.

The on-board battery is said to be enough for 13 km (8 miles) of range, which seems longer than necessary in any airport setting. It also powers some USB outlets on the suitcase, meaning you could recharge your phone in a pinch.

The 75Wh battery is compliant with pretty much any airline, falling below the 100Wh limit. So if you’re getting hassled at the airport about your new wheels, it won’t be by TSA, but rather all the teenagers laughing at you while posting it on TikTok.

But let ’em laugh, because they’re just haters in your non-existent rearview mirror. If they only knew what sweet loadout this scootcase had, they’d be singing a different tune.

There are surprisingly nice features like four speed settings, electronic braking, cruise control, and even a reverse feature. You might scoff, but my LiveWire electric motorcycle doesn’t even have reverse. Harley engineers could learn a thing or two from this silly little thing!

Some final thoughts

As interesting as this thing looks, I don’t think I’ll be dropping $733 on it anytime soon. I’ll have to stick with my trusty Cotopaxi travel backpack, which can neither ferry me around an airport nor charge my devices, but has served me well for boring old tasks like carrying my belongings.

And as many of my longtime readers will already know, this is very much a tongue-in-cheek post as part of a long series of other tongue-in-cheek Alibaba posts (which I hope to resurrect to a near-regular schedule again). Therefore, nothing in this post should be taken as an endorsement of this product. In fact, please do not buy this thing. You’ve been warned. If you do buy it, don’t complain to me when you get a speeding ticket from a mall cop or get banned from LaGuardia for causing a pileup outside of a Sbarro.

Let’s just let this thing exist in its own weird little corner of the internet with the rest of the finest electric vehicles that Alibaba has to offer.

And that, my friends, is a wrap. It’s good to be back.