s there a week more feared in the Bake Off calendar than Bread Week? Not only do the bakers have to come up with a zillion different ways to make bread different and fun (harder than it looks when working in shades of brown), they also have to deal with Paul Hollywood, the sergeant of sourdough, bringer of pain and captain of cob loaves.
So obviously crusts fly in episode three. The bakers are must conjure up three typically niche bread products: cottage loaves, Devonshire splits (a split bread roll stuffed with jam and cream) and a plaited bread centrepiece loaf: some of which go well, many more of which do not.
Most stressful moment
The sign of favour: Paul doles out praise
/ Channel 4The bakers are wound up tightly this week – “I’ve definitely got the bread dread,” says Tasha at the start of the episode – and that of course leads to its fair share of disasters. Dana smashes one of her mixing bowls whilst making her chipotle, smoked cheddar and paprika cottage loaf for the Signature challenge. “You can taste the shards of glass. Yummy!” she says, smiling a tad maniacally.
At the end of the challenge, Rowan’s Mediterranean-inspired loaf – which has swollen to the height of a football – collapses and has to be stacked up with rods. “Chuffing heck, this is a bit high pressure,” he says. “This is the failure corner,” Abbi adds: her bread has collapsed into a pancake.
However, the prize for the highest blood pressure goes to Dan, who realises halfway through his Showstopper that he doesn’t have enough dough to finish his pizza-themed bake, and then runs out of time to boot. “Absolute shocker,” Dan says, his cheery façade cracking just slightly – and who can blame him.
Wrinkly balls
Alison and Noel bringing the raunch
/ Channel 4Look, whenever bread is involved, things are bound to get spicy – but this episode often skips innuendo for outright raunch.
Paul is doing the rounds of the bakers’ tables during the Signature when the chaos really begins. “Tell us about the proportion of your ball size,” he says to Matty, who immediately cracks up. Cue awkward silence. “So you’ve got a little one on top, and a big ball underneath,” Paul adds. “Don’t be naughty,” Alison interjects.
The same issue comes up in the technical, where Nicky and Noel start giggling over the “wrinkly balls” she’s making. “We’ve got a pair for Prue and a pair for Paul,” Noel adds. “This is like a dream I’ve had! Paul’s balls are out on the baking sheet.” Children, please.
Then again, Alison has a lot to answer for herself. During the pre-Showstopper pow-wow with the judges, she quips: “I love it when you get strict, Paul.” “Turns you on, does it?” Prue asks her. “A little bit,” she replies. What kind of pheromones are circulating in the Bake Off tent these days?! It’s not even past the watershed yet, guys.
Best looking bake
Flour power: Josh in the process of making his tiger
/ Channel 4The best looking-bake moment often comes during the Showstopper, and the bakers do indeed pull it out of the hat here. Josh’s tiger-shaped bake (intended as an homage to the Leicester Tigers ruby team) looks very cute indeed – and given that Alison christened the tiger Paul Hollywood, is it any surprise that Paul himself calls it “excellent”?
Rowan’s massive tree – which actually stands up vertically, thanks to a frame his dad made – also looks gorgeous, with lashings of leaves and painted red rowan berries. But it has to be Tasha who takes the prize: she constructs a gigantic Medusa head made from plaited pesto hair and a cheese and pastrami face. It’s intricate, it looks great and it has tiny little bread hands covering the eyes.
The position of honourable runner-up (hey, we take our accolades seriously here) goes to Dan, who chooses to literally spell the word ‘PIZZA’ from plaited bread for his showstopper. Is it pretty? No. Is it visionary? You bet. Just a shame it didn’t quite work out.
Out there flavour combos
Forager Abbi has to take the prize for this one: her plaited loaf centrepiece takes the shape of a tree and includes a little something called ‘dock flour’. What is that? I hear you cry. Apparently, it’s dough made with the seeds from dock leaves. And it’s all been topped with foraged wild garlic and nettle bread. You have the first slice, I insist – Paul goes onto call it “really unusual”. In a good way.
Rowan, meanwhile, also makes a tree – combining a marzipan cholla trunk with garam masala roots. Has that combination ever been used before in Bake Off? “I want to punch them right in the jaw with the flavour,” he says. No danger there, but while the marzipan is good, the garam masala bread is dubbed overpowering.
Top bake name
Dana, the mastermind behind ‘Bread-ley Cooper’
/ Channel 4Not a usual category, this, but Dana most definitely deserves a shout-out for her chipotle, smoked cheddar and paprika-flavoured Signature challenge, which she has given the off-the-wall name of ‘Bread-ley Cooper’. “I just thought, a bit of spice,” she tells the judges; however, the loaf is ultimately pronounced “a bit doughy”. Bread-ley is, ultimately, a soggy bottom.
There’s also Abbi, who dubs her collapsed cottage loaf “flat Janice; her cottage is a bungalow.” Sounds like a Thin Lizzy song.
Hollywood handshakes?
No: maybe Hollywood handshake currency isn’t devaluing quite as fast as we thought. But there’s arguably something better than an HH: high praise from the judges. Prue tells Tasha that “I’d be so proud of that if I were you,” of her Signature bake: a roasted garlic and rosemary malted loaf. “I wish I’d made it,” she adds. What?!
Paul then goes one better when judging Tasha’s Showstopper, calling her Medusa a “work of art”. Then, fixing her with those icy blue eyes, he tells her: “you understand bread, and I like that.” It’s delivered in a way that makes you think Paul is being extremely sincere. Is this the new Hollywood handshake?
Dan: a narrow escape
/ Channel 4Most wholesome moment
Is there anything nicer than when all the bakers come together? While they’re waiting for their bread to prove (aka the time to chug gallons of tea), Tasha and Nicky spend their time playing tic-tac-toe on Nicky’s workbench using flour as the board.
Meanwhile, Saku and Alison bond over their love of cricket – “I’m such a good batter,” Alison says. As it turns out, Saku is a bowler – she then proceeds to nobble Alison in the leg with an orange that Alison fails to bat away. Lowkey obsessed with this double act: can we please have a spinoff?
Star Baker
Tasha’s reign at the top of the pile continues: she knocks it out of the park with her Signature loaf, nabs second place in the Technical thanks to her bread-roll making expertise and then has the judges fawning over her intricate Showstopper. “Tasha, you are one hell of a bread baker,” Prue tells her; is it any surprise that she nabs the top spot for a second week running? Even three weeks in, Tasha’s looking like she might be the one to beat.
Who went home?
Has any baker’s work ever been called “monstrous” before? Well they have now, multiple times. Poor Rowan, it was a bad week for his Signature – “I’d rather be monstrous than mediocre,” he says defiantly – for his terrible Technical, and then for his underbaked and overpowering Showstopper rowan tree, which Paul calls “hideous.”
But, plot twist, it is forager Abbi who goes home instead, for her pancake-flat cottage loaf, abysmal Technical and uninspiring Showstopper. “I am going to remember it every day for the rest of my life, honestly!” she tells the camera. “Although I am quite looking forward to getting back to my vegetables.” Never change, Abbi.
The Great British Bake-Off is streaming now on Channel 4
