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Nigel Prendergast, senior dogsbody at Prendergast & Preposterously High Fees Estate & Lettings Agency adjusted his tie as he welcomed the Chancellor, Rachel Reeves, into his tiny office—a space so cramped it doubled as a broom cupboard and the break room, mostly because the actual break room had been repurposed into “a charming micro-studio” listed at £975 a month.
“Chancellor, lovely to have you,” Nigel beamed, sweeping a stack of property brochures off the one available chair.
“Cup of tea? Coffee? Interest-only mortgage advice? A very reasonably priced one-bed flat in Croydon that definitely isn’t built on a former sinkhole?”
Rachel smiled icily. “Just here to talk about the new budget, Nigel.”
“Ah yes,” he said, rubbing his hands together as if he were generating both warmth and commission. “I’ve read the headlines. Taxes, investment, growth… but the real question is: will semi-detached houses in Swindon finally break the £1 million mark?
“I have a seller who insists his DIY conservatory adds ‘Buckingham-Palace-level value.’ He used three types of sealant, you know.”
Rachel raised an eyebrow. “The budget aims to stabilise the housing market, not send it into orbit. More building, more supply, more fairness.”
Nigel gasped as though she’d suggested nationalising lunch breaks. “More supply? But if houses become affordable, how will I continue telling buyers a converted garden shed is a ‘bijou urban retreat with rustic charm’? Do you know how long it took me to rehearse that phrase?”
“That,” Rachel replied robotically, “sounds like a personal problem.”
Prendergast leaned forward, lowering his voice to the tone of a man sharing state secrets. “Look, Chancellor, you don’t understand. Estate agents thrive on drama. Rising prices, bidding wars… desperate millennials offering to name their firstborn after the seller if it helps their offer stand out.”
“That’s precisely why the budget addresses affordability,” she said. “People deserve stability.”
Nigel’s shoulders slumped. “Stability. Such a dreary word. Couldn’t you at least let me keep my favourite phrase: ‘This area is up-and-coming’? It works anywhere—Manchester, Milton Keynes, even that bit of Reading with the giraffe mural and the 24-hour car-park raves.”
Rachel stood to leave. “The housing market will survive, Nigel. And so will you.”
He watched her go, muttering, “Fine. But if prices actually level out, I’m rebranding as a lifestyle guru. Fewer numbers, more scented candles. And no one argues about the price of a candle.”
As imagined by EYE, with a little help from ChatGPT.
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